Raging Bull
I was angry today. The day started out fine. There was nothing I could point to that made me particularly angry except to say that everything made me angry, inexplicably angry. I think what's happening is that the shock has worn off and now I'm pissed at J and worse yet I'm pissed at myself. Hell, I'm just f*ing pissed. The more I talk to friends and try to explain what happened, the more I feel like an idiot for giving him so many chances, for investing so much hope in something hopeless.
How do I move past this? I know the answer is that I need to forgive but how do I do that? Where do I begin? How do I know when I'm done? I'm afraid. If I forgive then I might forget and if I forget I might make the same mistake again. My life is marked by absence and loss. There is no victimhood in that just longing and trepidation.
I read a poem by Li Young Lee and somehow I managed to go from angry to sad. And I can't articulate why but it captures the confusion and loss that I feel.
Discrepencies, Happy and Sad
We've moved into a bigger house
Now our voices wander among the rooms
calling, where are you?
And what we can't forget
of other houses confuses us
as we answer back and forth, over here!
It's a little like returning to the village
where you were born, the sad dewilderment
of discrepencies between
what you remember and what's there.
No, it's more like a memory of heaven.
Voices coming closer, voices moving away,
and what we thought we knew
about life on earth confounding us.
And then that question
from which all questions begin.
--Li Young Lee from Book of My Nights



